Leaving a narcissist is hard, especially the first 90 days. It takes a lot of courage and support. There are a lot of emotions that surface and a lot of physical and mental changes that you experience when you leave.
Its been 90 days since I left and what a wild ride its been. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve laughed; sometimes all at once. My poor puppy must think I am crazy. And maybe I am, who really knows? Cue my therapist reminding me that I am, in fact, not crazy.
Physical Pain: Soreness and Always Tired
The biggest hurdle I have had is being extremely tired and sore. My body just didn’t want to function normally. But then again, one could argue that it didn’t function normally before I left. I was in fight-or-flight mode and that is not a healthy state to live in. I was terrified of setting him off and loosing whatever control I may have had.
The first few nights alone, in an apartment in town, were hell. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get comfortable. I was sleeping on an air mattress and I froze my ass off. It was not supportive enough at all so my lower back was screaming at me each morning I got up. Once I got a real mattress, my back didn’t hurt, but I still couldn’t sleep.
I still wake up sore, every day, and just recently figured out why. At about 3am two nights ago, I woke up and found I was tightly curled in a fetal position. I am protecting myself because one of his favorite things to do was pick a fight at midnight when I was sleeping. He’d wake me up and start in on something I’d done wrong or want to re-hash something we’d already fought about.
Three months in and I still have nights when I do not sleep well at all. I practice yoga and stretch before bed. I stop looking at my phone about 30 minutes before I lay down and only read a book if I need to. Meditation is not something that comes easily to me, so I haven’t tried as much of that. Eventually, my body will adjust, but it takes time. One day at a time.
Big Emotions: Letting the Demons Out
Emotions are a funny thing. They can dictate your entire day or even week. The first few nights, I cried, a lot. I’d put my puppy in her kennel for the night, shut my door and let the darkness wash over me. One time I cried so hard I thought I might wake the neighbors up. The following day would leave me exhausted and in a brain fog.
After the first month, I was able to get the rest of my things out from the house. I had a police escort and my family came to help me. We got everything into my apartment and went to lunch. I managed to laugh and have a great time. I felt good for a change.
Leaving a narcissist requires you to be completely open to processing all of the emotions that come with it, including guilt and grief. I struggle with these on a daily basis. I left a dog, my home, and the person who was supposed to love me and protect me. The guilt comes from leaving the dog behind. She was his dog mostly, but I loved her to death. We’d had her for 9 years and I miss her every damn day. I grieve for the life I thought I had and the man I thought he was.
Mental Tennis: Getting out of your own head
When leaving a narcissist, there is a lot of mental back and forth that happens. Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried to save it one more time? Will I be okay on my own? What if he finds someone new and treats them better?
All valid questions you will ask yourself. I asked them, several times, to actual people on my support team. All of them had the same answers. Of course you did the right thing, you already tried so many times, you will be fine on your own, and if he does treat the next one better then you know it wasn’t real.
Sometimes these answers comforted me, sometimes not. If he treats the next one better, it makes me wonder what I did to deserve such vile treatment. But that is exactly what the narcissist wants. They want to destroy your mind, and they will. We’ll get into that later.
Leaving: Best decision ever
Leaving a narcissist will be the best decision you ever make. Trust me. I’ve done it and there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I am doing things I never thought possible because there isn’t anyone or anything stopping me. There isn’t someone telling me that I am not capable, or not smart enough, or not good enough.
If you’re thinking of leaving a narcissist, please do it. It will literally save your life. Life is short, why spend it in a hell hole? There are resources out there to help and people to talk to. There are women’s shelters across America that can help you make a plan and execute it.
