Gaslighting is one of the most common tactics an abuser will use to keep a victim under their control. It is a highly effective maneuver because it causes the victim to constantly question themselves. In this post, we’ll talk about what gaslighting is, how it is used, examples, and what happens to the victim.
What is Gaslighting?
Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as: “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator”.
Gaslighting is one of the most common tactics narcissists use to exert power and gain control over their victims. Gaslighting can also happen in the workplace and in the medical field. It is a very dangerous game being played by people who have no regard for others.
How is gaslighting used?
Gaslighting is used to manipulate people into thinking that what they remember isn’t what happened. It causes people to question themselves, and eventually, they lose self-confidence.
Gaslighting usually happens when a victim tries to bring up something that made them uncomfortable or hurt their feelings. Most abusers do not like to be told they did something wrong, and they certainly do not want to take responsibility for their actions. They gaslight their victim to avoid this.
What are examples of it?
When I was with my narcissist, he liked to make fun of me, a lot. Especially about things I am already self-conscious about, like my appearance. He once said that my naturally curly hair looked bad. He also stated that my new glasses made me look old and my face droopy.
Anytime I brought up things like that, he would deny ever saying those things. “I never said that, what are you talking about?” I heard these phrases so often I began to wonder if I had been imagining things. Had that been a dream and I was projecting it onto him?
Sometimes, I really struggled to let go of his insults. I would bring them up again, hoping this time he’d understand how badly it hurt me and maybe, just maybe, I’d get an apology. Enter another gaslighting phrase: “Why are you always bringing up the past? Just get over it already.”
These are some of the more common gaslighting phrases I heard. “I never said that” or “That isn’t how that happened” or “You’re overreacting” or my personal favorite “Why are you always bringing up the past?”. Gaslighting takes the blame off them and puts it back on the victim.
Gaslighting creates a web of lies and insults around the victim. This results in confusion for the victim. It is not an overnight thing, it occurs over time and victims usually don’t realize what is happening until it has been going on for years.
What does it do to the victim?
When gaslighting is used continually, the victim begins to question themselves. You begin to wonder if you did remember it wrong, or maybe he didn’t really say it that way. After hearing these phrases for so long, you begin to question everything.
Eventually, your self-esteem is gone. You have no self-worth and you’re riddled with feelings of insecurity. You develop anxiety and depression because you don’t trust your own mind to get things right.
These feelings begin to creep into your life in unexpected ways. You might find yourself questioning something you did at work that you’ve done hundreds of times before. Victims often loose the ability to make even the simplest of decisions, like what to wear or what to make for dinner.
Another nasty side-effect of gaslighting is that the victim begins to depend on their abuser more and more. Since their self-confidence gone, they feel isolated and scared without their abuser. This strengthens the control and starts to form a trauma-bond (we’ll talk about that later too).
What should you do if you’re a victim of gaslighting?
I wrote everything down, and I mean everything. I opened a word document on my personal laptop and kept it hidden. My abuser wasn’t particularly computer savvy, but I hid it just in case. By the time I left him for good, I had a 10-page document of incidents, not just gaslighting.
This is a helpful but risky practice. If your notes are found by your abuser, they could (will) trigger an episode. If that happens, you need to be prepared for it. Staying calm and having a way out if things escalate is necessary.
If you’re reading this, chances are you or someone you know may be experiencing this. The best-case scenario is that they get out of the situation immediately. Sometimes that isn’t always possible, but having a plan in place can mitigate the stress of enduring this kind of abuse.
Getting help
The key to recovering from experiencing gaslighting is therapy. A good therapist can help you learn ways to trust yourself again and become more confident. Continued abuse alters your brain in ways that are often misunderstood by people who are not experienced with it. A trauma-informed therapist is highly recommended.
You can heal from this. You can endure, survive and thrive.
~Nichole
