Reflections of Where I’ve Been

This isn’t going to be my usual style of post. I’m speaking straight from the heart as I reflect on everything I’ve been through in the last 5 years.

The Past

I grew up in an unstable household. I had an older sister that I struggled to connect with due to different personalities, one parent who was incredibly narcissistic and one parent who wasn’t. My sister never endured the wrath of the narc parent, just me. That parent bead-locked on me and I suffered years of emotional abuse because of it.

I have vivid recollections of sitting at the dinner table being screamed at for not being good enough. Phrases like “Why can’t you just apply yourself a little more?” and “Why can’t you just be smart, like your sister?” I was applying myself, trust me. Math and science were not my forte. I’m more of an artistic person, I lead with my heart. English, writing, photography, all came easy to me.

This constant battering of unrealistic comparisons and expectations led to a period of self harm. A pair of blue handled scissors was my weapon of choice, my left forearm my victim. It eased the mental pain, if only for a few moments. Those of you familiar with SH, you understand the release I felt, and why I kept doing it. Its like a drug, you start it, but then the same amount isn’t enough the next time. You harm a little more, and the cycle starts over again. Rinse and repeat.

After high school, I was able to stop. Part of that was growing older, part of that was my parents divorcing and not having to live with said parent anymore. I spent the better part of my 20’s learning to bury that part of myself deep inside, where no one would find it.

My late 20’s led me to my ex. And it started out like any other abusive relationship does: perfect. He was sweet, funny, attractive, charming. I thought I found exactly who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Turns out I was sorely mistaken.

After 11 years together, I finally started to realize that his actions and behavior wasn’t normal. His continued berating and down talking to me wasn’t my fault. His gaslighting and control tactics were means of isolating me from everything, friends and family especially.

The Present

It took me 5 tries to leave him before it stuck. My earlier post describes what the first few months have been like. I have a long way to go, but I’ve come so far in my journey already. I’m happier, calmer, and less anxious. I still get triggered and I still have days where I’m just done with everything. Those are days that I give myself a little compassion and understand that I will always have those days.

World Narcissistic Abuse Day isn’t something I’ve put a lot of thought into until now. I’d never realized what was happening to me until I was already too deep in. Now I recognize it as plain as day. I wish I had learned to sooner, it would have saved me a boatload of heartache.

I am working hard to heal, one day at a time. To help myself stay focused, I’ve written down specific goals and how I want to achieve them. And some of those goals have been accomplished, this blog being one of them.

The Future

My future is MINE and mine only. For the first time ever, I am in complete and total control of what happens to me, professionally, mentally, spiritually. I can chase any dream I want to, there isn’t anyone to tell me no, or that I can’t.

I recently bought myself a little something to wear on my left hand, a white sapphire ring. Its my birthstone and it reminds me every day that I am married to myself, my future.

To anyone looking to get out, make that plan and execute it. Its going to be hard, but I promise, it will be so worth. To anyone already out, congratulations. I’m happy you’re here and that you’re safe.

We endure, survive, and thrive.

~Nichole