Recognizing abuse is sometimes difficult. It’s not always physical violence that leaves marks on a person’s body. There is an extreme mental and emotional component that goes with it. Abusers operate in a cycle of, more or less, 4 stages: tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. What we’re going to focus on mostly in today’s post is the tension and incident stages and how to apply the power and control wheel to recognize what is happening.
What is the Power and Control Wheel?
The Power and Control Wheel was developed in 1984 by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota. You can find more information on that here: https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/faqs-about-the-wheels/. The wheel assists in helping explain and understand the tactics an abuser uses on their victim. The wheel covers physical, mental and emotional aspects of abuse.
Why should I use the Power and Control Wheel?
This wheel can help you understand what might be happening to you, or someone you know. Abuse takes many forms: physical, mental and emotional. All of which are equally damaging. Just because there isn’t physical violence, doesn’t mean abuse isn’t happening.
What are common signs to look for during the tension stage?
The tension stage is one of the harder stages in an abusive relationship to be in. This stage can last weeks, months, or only a few days. The cycle of abuse depends on a lot of factors. Being able to recognize certain behaviors can help prepare you for an inevitable blow up.
During this phase, the abuser starts to assert control over the victim. Control can look like a lot of things: withholding money from the stay-at-home parent, isolation from friends and family, and setting rules for the victim to follow and requiring the victim to “check in” with them during the day. The rules become harder and harder for the victim to follow. This is intentional, they want you to screw up. That way they can justify their behavior later.
Another type of control is emotional abuse. A lot of abusers will make fun of their victim in very cruel ways. By using something their victim is sensitive about, they help plant the seed of self-doubt. If you call them on it, they’ll say it was just a joke. They may resort to calling you names and then gaslighting you. We’ll talk more about gaslighting in another post.
What happens during the incident phase?
The incident phase is exactly what it sounds like. An incident happens when the abuser gets triggered and that tension to explodes. This incident might be a screaming match that results in the victim crying, having a panic attack or an anxiety attack. Or worse, physical violence happens.
My abuser liked to pick fights with me after dinner. He knew I would give up after so long and leave the room. He would then follow me, and try to escalate it. I would end up screaming at him and he would shove me backwards into the door frame. He once claimed this was to protect himself from me hurting him. He also claimed that since he never hit my face, it wasn’t abuse <insert eye roll here>.
What other forms of power and control are there?
Abusers use a variety of tactics to gain control and power over their victims. If there are children involved, the abuser may use that against their victim. When the incident happens, abusers may threaten to take the children from you, or call the authorities on you, claiming you are the abuser.
Another common tactic is intimidation. This tactic is dangerous in itself because it can involve a physical element. My abuser like to point his finger at me when he’d threaten me. He also threw his phone across the living room, shattering it against the wall. He then said it was my fault for upsetting him.
What can I do to stay safe?
Unfortunately, there isn’t a great answer to this question. Each situation is unique with its own set of challenges. If it is possible, doing research and speaking with a local women’s shelter is a great option. Women’s shelters are well-versed in these situations and can help you develop a plan for dealing with your abuser. They can also assist with finding a counselor to help you work through it.
The best way for you to protect yourself is to make a plan to get out. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. You will become trapped, trauma bonded to the abuser. Trauma bonds make leaving even more difficult. It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave before a victim is finally able to make it stick. It took me 5 times, with the 5th being the final time. I’ve been out for just over 90 days and its been quiet the experience. I talk a about that in my post Leaving A Narcissist: The First 90 Days.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse of any kind, please seek help for yourself. Abuse never gets better, it only gets worse. There are thousands of resources out there to help victims get out of abusive situations. Make a plan, execute the plan, and start living a happier, healthier life.
